No, I'm not referring to my funds -- though I can remember the sinking feeling of seeing that awful term, "insufficient funds", on a bank statement. It's the same sinking feeling that I sometimes get when I think about completing this thesis.
Insufficient.
I feel it when I'm struggling through a German translation.
Insufficient.
I feel it when I'm trying to formulate a response in seminar and it emerges even more jumbled in the speaking then it was in the thinking.
Insufficient.
I feel it when I look up from a day of writing and it is already 4pm, with hardly a page to show for my efforts.
Insufficient.
The other morning it was overwhelming, this feeling that I'm drawing on insufficient funds to cover the costs for this thesis. And in that wonderfully candid way that only the Holy Spirit can pull off, God confirmed that this fear was entirely true. I am insufficient to this task. No false encouragement, and about as much sentimentality as the notice from the bank. Laurie, you are, in fact, overdrawn.
The grace of this harsh affirmation became apparent in the next question to surface -- "And how is it that you can be studying the Apostle Paul and think that insufficiency is avoidable?" Sure enough -- one verse after another from recent days reading Paul's epistles come tumbling to the forefront of my mind:
"My grace is made perfect in weakness ..."
"We have this treasure in jars of clay ..."
"I came to you in weakness and in fear, with much trembling ..."
"God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong ..."
"Who is sufficient for such things ..."
This litany of verses was followed by the recollection of half a dozen people whose generosity of time, or spirit, or talent, or money on my behalf is covering the very tangible deficit between my capacities and what is required. Once again it becomes real: Jesus is more than sufficient to meet every need.
I'm not certain that God asked me to pursue this Ph.D. -- I'm only certain that he's never said "no" to my desire to do so. And now that I am here, and insufficient to the task of it, I'm humbly grateful for the generosity of his "yes".
Insufficient.
I feel it when I'm struggling through a German translation.
Insufficient.
I feel it when I'm trying to formulate a response in seminar and it emerges even more jumbled in the speaking then it was in the thinking.
Insufficient.
I feel it when I look up from a day of writing and it is already 4pm, with hardly a page to show for my efforts.
Insufficient.
The other morning it was overwhelming, this feeling that I'm drawing on insufficient funds to cover the costs for this thesis. And in that wonderfully candid way that only the Holy Spirit can pull off, God confirmed that this fear was entirely true. I am insufficient to this task. No false encouragement, and about as much sentimentality as the notice from the bank. Laurie, you are, in fact, overdrawn.
The grace of this harsh affirmation became apparent in the next question to surface -- "And how is it that you can be studying the Apostle Paul and think that insufficiency is avoidable?" Sure enough -- one verse after another from recent days reading Paul's epistles come tumbling to the forefront of my mind:
"My grace is made perfect in weakness ..."
"We have this treasure in jars of clay ..."
"I came to you in weakness and in fear, with much trembling ..."
"God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong ..."
"Who is sufficient for such things ..."
This litany of verses was followed by the recollection of half a dozen people whose generosity of time, or spirit, or talent, or money on my behalf is covering the very tangible deficit between my capacities and what is required. Once again it becomes real: Jesus is more than sufficient to meet every need.
I'm not certain that God asked me to pursue this Ph.D. -- I'm only certain that he's never said "no" to my desire to do so. And now that I am here, and insufficient to the task of it, I'm humbly grateful for the generosity of his "yes".
No comments:
Post a Comment